So I found out last night that Rudi may be starting to date a girl he works with.

Yes. I'm really upset about it.

I know I'm a hypocrite. I'm the one that initially ended the relationship. I get that. But it doesn't change the fact that things didn't work out how I'd like them to. And I'm feeling like Rudi went about things in a really passive agressive way. He kept saying "we need to talk/I need time" untilI finally had enough and cornered him.

Lately he's been acting like he still wanted to hang out, but when I'm there I feel ignored. He barely looks at me. He avoids any and all physical contact. It feels horrible. When I said something to him about it last night he admitted that he was "feeling this other girl out" and trying to "be fair" with me.

it just sucks. Before that conversation last night we were talking on the phone and he asked me what I was doing tonight (Sun) and I thought he was asking because he wanted to do something. No. He was asking because there was a chance that he was going to have to work and needed someone to watch Render. It stung alot.

*********************

It's been a really confusing weekend. What I want more than anything is someone to tell every last detail of it to and then have them say "Okay this is what person A was doing. This is what person B was doing and this is what person C was doing".

I used to think that Sally was that person. But the more time we have spent together the more I have begun to expect that she is pushing me to do certain things and be a certain way because she's not happy with her own life and she's unwilling to do anything about it. So she wants me to make decisions...that probably are more about her and less about me.

Friday I was invited for a night out with friends. It was a really good time. I got to talk with folks I haven't seen in awhile, folks i'm just starting to know, and had a talk with a couple of folks I'd never talked with before.

The Professor was there, and being his incredibly predictable self. Asking me if I was seeing anyone, and then telling me he was single too. Except for the fact that he was there WITH a girl. Frankly it kind of made me laugh. The words weren't verbatim, but it was essentially the same conversation we've had over and over again. Somedays I just want to look at him and say "Do you want to date me or not?" He asks me these leading questions. Makes himself appear available and then explains how the girl he's with knows he's not exclusive with anyone. And that really the biggest thing they have in common is their age. I GET IT. We have a big age difference. I don't care about it. Personally I think life experience...and to be honest maturity balance that out a bit. But what do I know.

J was also there. In talking with him earlier in the day he'd been really flirty. We were just joking around on facebook chat and talking about my ass and then his ass and it was just fun and games when he suddenly freaked out and was like "Enough! i don't want to talk about your sex life!" and then just ignored me. Then at the bar he was caustic on the rare occaision he spoke to me other than when he arrived and complimented my shirt. We barely spoke the entire evening until folks started to leave. I asked if he was leaving and he proceeded to tell me all about the many women he could have gone home with but didn't. It was such a posed and silly statement. And we of course did our typical snide comment back and forth thing. But there also a mix of odd almost flirty moments that I don't get at all.

Notice a theme: I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!

Seriously. Anyone out there want to explain all of this to me? I'd really appreciate it. Really I would.

I'm lonely and depressed at home. But at least I get that. I understand what's going on there. These times out just leave me confused. Makes me want to keep my ass at home quite frankly.

So I come home from work and log on to read my friends page like I always do. And yes I'm in snark communities, but we try to stay with the things that are just ridiculous, and not cruel or making fun of women who are just asking questions. I'm not really defending it here that's not the point.

( Cut For Those Who Wish To Avoid Disturbing Story about Child Abuse )

I can at least report that thanks to an internet-savy community member with a conscience CPS was contacted and assisted in figuring out this womans identity as well as location. Other women were able to screencap the community entry as well as the personal entries and her userinfo before she could delete/change them (which she's been doing for the last couple of hours now that it's been made public CPS was called) and to make it more disturbing she left entries referencing other car locking incidents up, making it clear that she just really doesn't get it. The woman that spoke with CPS made a post letting folks know that she was on the phone with a case worker while they pulled up the page and an investigagtion had been started.

And I know that at the end of the day this is the internet, we can't be sure CPS was really called or can even do anything. And there's every chance that this person is a very elaborate troll (the journal itself is several years old with 100's of entries, a good sized friends list and information provided linked up to a facebook page as well as a family website) But even so I'd like to think that if this is real that real help has been contacted.

To be honest I don't know what was more disturbing. The woman's actions or the people on her friends list who responded in a sympatetic tone time and time again, or who defended her when folks started posting comments in her personal journal today. It reminded me of my own childhood. There were people who knew. Teachers at my school and my mom's coworkers. People we went to church with.  Yes abuse is a cycle of secrets and lies, but also it's painfully obvious. You can't hide the scars and the bruises. The warning signs in the behavior. We all know what we're looking at when we see it, and far to often people just look the other way. Because it's easier.

Like this woman. Her journal posts reference meetings with teachers about children acting out, and she herself says in her descriptions of the incidents that she recognized  in that moment what she was doing wasn't helping. But all the same she did it anyway. People just sympathized with her and went on the merry way. There's not one comment from a friend suggesting locking a child in the car and leaving them for hours on end was perhaps NOT an effective parenting tool.

There are days I wish we could hold the people who ignore responsible. Make them understand that they are playing a role in the cycle just as much as the abuser. Because complicity is what allows the cycle to continue.

But hey for all it's pettiness and insanity maybe the internet did some good today. This sounds as though this really could have been a situation where the people around these children were oblivious (wethere willfully so or not we can't know) and serious harm may have come to them if their mother hadn't "innocently" asked for advice outside of her normal group.

Ugh...I gotta go hug my kid now.

The leasing office of my apartment complex was robbed early this morning (as in 2AM). Luckily (I guess?) I hadn't paid my rent yet.

I hadn't paid my rent yet because I'm still waiting on my retirement check. if I don't get it today (the mail still hadn't come when I last checked).....wait I just checked thank god it came otherwise my rent was going to be late and that meant fees. Uck. Thank god for little miracles. Course they've discontinued use of the drop box because of the break in so I'm not sure how I'm going to get my rent dropped off as I work 9-4. But hey...we'll work it out, right?

Had my evaluation at work. Overall it was good. Biggest criticism was essentially working on being more professional. I tend to get to pal-y with the moms I click with, and so we tend to get chatty during class or have conversations that probably aren't the best work discussions. It's something I've picked up on recently and have started working on.

I also got...well it was basically just mentioned, but I was working at a site before Christmas and we have gmail chat to talk between sites. While I was working the desk I was talking with a girl working at the desk at another site, and while I wasn't busy I said something unkind about another teacher (something about ice picks through my skull would have been more pleasant than having to listen to her teach). one of the owners opened the chat history after everyone left that day and saw it. He apparently wasn't too happy. Which I get.

The Tues before Christmas I was working with an employee that I didn't particularly like, but during the day I felt like we were on a better footing. No particular reason, just kind of how it was. Anyway, at the end of the day she, in a fairly nice way, called me out for having been a bitch to her in the past (again not those words) and we cleared the air. I feel bad for my behavior I do. I recognize that I get catty, mostly it's out of need to feel like I fit in and we all remember those days on the playground where making fun of the other kid with cool kids made you feel cool to. There's a girl at work that brings that out in me, and I've not handled that well.  Another thing I'm working on.

I'm supposed to be getting a raise. Which would be awesome except for the fact that they waited till after I stopped teaching on Wed to decide to also cut my hours on Tuesdays as well. I'm starting to be concerned that I'm not going to make enough money to keep my bills paid. Luckily my friend who watches Ren has graciously agreed to cut her costs in half since she'll have him for such a short time, and Rudi has offered to pay for half of those costs every month, so I won't be working for free on Tuesdays (before I called folks my hours were so cut that I was only making enough to cover the gas and babysitting that it cost me to WORK on that day).

As things stand I'm concerned that I'm going to need a new job. Like OMG freaking the hell out about it. I scaled back from the Wed shift because I needed to spend more time with my kid. We both need that badly. And I'm worried that I won't be able to find a job that will give me the money i need to pay my bills, and the time with my son that i need. Oh yeah, and be able to get childcare worked out. It's been hard enough getting the one day taken care of. What if I had to get more? Or didn't have a set schedule? 

Let's not even talk about the idea of trying to find a job in this economy.

Just another subtle reminder of how I've fucked up. Dropped the ball.

Oh, and NYE ranked right up there with Christmas this year. I spent midnight alone. in my car. crying.

So yeah....more uplifting updates from yours truly.

Sorry.

So I have abandoned match.com and eharmony for the FREE and somewhat more hip site of okcupid.com.

The problem is that what was true for the other sites appears to be holding true for this site as well. I'm really not coming across any profiles that spark my interest. I don't know if the problem is neccessarily the people themselves but more the fact that you don't get a vibe from someone when they're online and you're looking at a picture acompanied by their attempts to be witty in a survey or twelve.

And then the thought occured to me, that for the last few years it's been a rare occaision that I've met someone new who sparked my interest on even a friendly level. Of the people I've met in that time I couldn't name a single one that I regularly spend time with or pressed for an honest response, would sincerely refer to as a friend. I just haven't gotten that sense of connection.

I haven't felt like I was apart of something in a very long time.

Looking through the pictures of Carter's party I got so melancholy. Cause I was there, and I talked with folks and I was among the handful sitting there at 7AM the next morning having talked the night away. But looking through the pictures the feelings of just having been a guest seeped in.

Even back in the day when all of it was brand new, I understood. I remember writing this god awful poem one night about that feeling. The knowledge that what I had stumbled across was dying just as I had found it. I think in our own little ways we all knew. Everyone else had been there for so much longer, and I wanted to hold onto it so tightly, because I knew it wasn't going to be there much longer and I wanted to get every last little moment I could. I don't think everyone understood that about me. I knew time was short and I knew that I didn't have the luxury of easing into things, I had to dive in before it was too late.

Course now I find myself alone most of the time. Still a outsider. Back to never really feeling at home anywhere I go. That feeling worsened when Mom died. Now I really do never feel at home anywhere. It's all just whispers and fading jumbled memories. And the voice in the back of my head says I'm too young for all of that, but it doens't make it any less true, just more sad.

I'd tell you that I'm fine and this is just ranting, but I'd be lying.

I am jealous of K. I am jealous that after all the terrible, and awful things that she has done and continues to do she will always be more welcome than I ever will be. I am not jealous of her love life. I do want to be clear on that. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm jealous that in spite of all of the hurt she has caused she's still one of the smiling faces in the photos where as I'm just an arm in the background of the picture.

I get it though. I understand. Doesn't make it any less sad.

God I hope no one reads this stuff anymore. It's just the epitome of pathetic.




*****************************************

For Christmas J gave me a book by his favorite female author. A collection of short stories. I gave him my copy of "1 Dead in Attic" because I know he loves New Orleans and I thought it would be the kind of stories he would like. Turned out he'd been wanting to read it for ages and just hadn't found a copy. (you don't see it much around here, I bought mine New Orleans last spring). I have loved the book he gave me.

For Christmas my garndparents gave me underwear that is ugly, uncomfortable, and the kind of underwear you wear when you no that there is less than zero percent chance that anyone will you see you in it. As well as the kind of bras that are supposed to be made for big chested women but in reality they are HIDEOUS uncomfortable and do incredibly unflattering things to your bust (it's like they're designed to try and make your boobs disappear but only succeed in making them squashed looking). I know that my grandparents lent me money just before Christmas and so i wasn't really expecting anything, but to be honest this was worse than getting nothing. I would have rather gotten nothing.

And that was my Christmas.

I am not blind to the irony that the person who has made me cry so much this year and has hurt me so deeply; the person that helped RUIN my birthday brought me the greatest joy in such a small present.

And that is why my life will continue to be topsy turvy and complicated.

I do wish I could walk away from it all.

But the next person that tells me to do just that will get punched in the face.

As much as I say it I'm not willing to walk away from everyone I know, all of the relationships I've built over the last six years of my life, the community that is my only source of happiness, however fleeting and small, just to fix things.

I'm just not.

Doesn't mean I don't wish things were different. Or that I could somehow fix it all.

I guess I was about 7, it was one of my last Christmases when my parents were still married. We woke up and opened presents at home. Jack didn't get what he wanted (I believe he wanted a race car set we always had to get him toys cause he said he didn't get them as a child).

The last memory of him from that day that I have is of him standing in his old and dirty tightie whites yelling and waving his arms at us as Mom bundled me into the car and drove away (we were going to my grandparents).

Yeah, not the best Christmas of my childhood.

But you know what?

That Christmas was still totally better than this Christmas.

It's been a really hard time recently.

Money is tight. As in not good at all, and this holiday season has been a struggle. My shopping list has shrunk to a handful of people but I still haven't been able to get through it.

I got a christmas tree at walmart. It's horrible. I hate it. It looks like the piece of crap that it is. I pulled out my ornanments, and alot of them are broken. I'm not entirely sure where some are. Render's stocking somehow got a huge hole torn in it, and I'm not sure where my crocheted stocking is...you know the one I've had since I was born.

Oh, and about five minutes after I put the tree up the fucking things fell over. Nothing broke, but jesus christ how much more am I supposed to take exactly?????

I put myself out there recently. In  a really big way. And it didn't come through. And that hurts. And I don't know what to do about it, or how to handle it really. I feel like I'm stuck in a cylce where the faces may change but the outcome remains the same.

Perhaps I really am full of hot air. I say I'm making changes, but maybe I'm not really. Maybe I am doing the same things over and over again.

I know that I wanted to make things right. I wanted to do it all differently, and I'm not going to be able to do that. Past that I don't know what to do.

Just not in a good place tonight. Can't seem to find the spirit of the season.

Today I volunteered to work Christmas Day at work. I was at work with my manager and a mom who is Jewish and....well it started with us talking about me needing to find something to do Christmas Day, and how as a Jewish family it kind of sucks for them cause everything is closed. The mom suggested we open since we have so many Jewish families and my manager said "Yeah, but we can't" and the next thing I knew I was saying that I could do it.

So I'll find out tomorrow if the owners have okayed us being open for two hours on Christmas Day. Basically I'll leave my grandparents house at

I think i've finally gotten caught up on all of the journals that I missed out on over the last 24 or so hours.

It was rather exhausting and felt really silly in the end, but I'm glad that I was able to talk it out with most everyone.

I have no intention of changing the friends list for this journal.

if you've recently added/added back karmalingoist3 don't forget to add this one as well otherwise you won't see anything I update with. which if you don't want to that's fine as well. Just reminding you.

Okay...back to your regularly scheduled internet.

So when I posted my birthday list I put tickets to see Amanda Palmer's solo tour as one of the fantasy items.

Well she's coming to Atlanta Nov16th at Variety Playhouse.

I want to go so badly I can taste it.

I've been lucky enough to go both times she's been in Atlanta the last two years.

Did I mention I want to go so bad I can taste it?

Just letting folks  know.

I'm not good at asking for things.

So it'll be Sept 1st in about half an hour. which means my birthday is just over a little a month away. My 24th birthday to be exact. God that seems a little crazy. 24? that sounds like such an adult number.

Anyway, I don't know how many years I've done this but I like to kind of put a list of things I'd like out into the universe. I'm not asking anyone to get me anything. Seriously. I'm not saying I won't love you if I don't get anything off this list. I just believe that sometimes we put stuff out into the world and the world gives back from places we don't expect.

So here are two lists. The first is small things that are "practical", the second is the no rules, anything goes list.

( Keep It Simple Stupid )
wow that was actually really hard to come up with 10 practical items. yay, maybe that means i'm less materialistic than I thought I was.

( If You Were Omnipotent and Magickal )
so both lists were actually pretty difficult.

to be honest i have mixed emotions about my birthday. Last year was very difficult for me. Rudi saved the day in the evening, but I spent most of the day in tears. I don't have a good track record with birthdays, and with Mom gone.....well I didn't realize how much she made holidays until she was gone for them. It just isn't as special without her.

And this year I have to get up the next morning to drive to TN so I can scatter her ashes. After nearly two years it's time to finally honour her last wishes and do it. I'm going on my own. Which I know isn't going to be a popular thing. My family won't like it cause they won't like me driving that far alone and I think my grandparents wanted to go when I did it. But I need to be alone. If other people are there I will want to take care of them, and that is an escape mechanism so i don't have to really experience what's going on. When Mom died I took care of things, and people and so I had a barrier between myself and the reality. This time I need to just be there in that moment and experience it. So I'm going alone.

And yes I know the second list has a request for someone to go with me. But I'm talking for the drive up Tues and then wed night after everything's done, and the drive home thurs. The scattering I'll do on my own.

Anyway, those are my lists. Thanks for your time.